if you have the last hands i want to hold
by dawsons
Summary: "He loves her too damn much to keep her from what she wants." The only way to know is to let it go, and that's what Finn does. Oneshot.


a/n: Is it too late for something like this? Oh well, we can never tell. This is practically my first fic, a debut, call it what you may. Finn-centric. Title and lyrics are from "Maybe" by Ingrid Michaelson.

* * *

_I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye,  
But I will, I will, I will.  
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly,  
But I will, I will, oh yes I will.  
'Cause maybe in the future, you're gonna come back,  
You're gonna come back around.  
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back,  
You're gonna come back._

_Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go.  
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back,  
You're gonna come back to me._

* * *

"At least we'll be getting married," she tells him softly, the first words she's spoken for the night. She looks up at him and he runs a hand through her hair. "I can't wait for Friday."

"We're finally going to do this," she continues when he doesn't say anything. "We're going to get it right this time and it'll be so much better. And then I'm going to help you and Kurt with your applications so we can all go together next year and hopefully with Blaine in tow so he can keep Kurt company in the apartment we're all going to live in. Isn't it a wonderful plan?"

He freezes a bit when she says this, and Rachel frowns. "Finn? Is everything okay? You don't look so good."

"Everything's alright," he lies, smiling halfheartedly at her.

"Are you sure? You've been strangely quiet all evening."

"I just like the way you can keep on talking and talking. Your voice's nice to listen to, even if you're not singing." There is truth to this, at least. He means it.

Rachel beams and kisses him full on the mouth. His breath hitches as their lips touch. "I love it when you say nice things. But not as much as how I love you. Now please get some sleep, I don't want you having eyebags on the big day."

He gives her another smile, nodding, but his insides coil painfully at the thought that she's still intent on laying aside her dreams just to stay with him. All he can think about is how his presence is now starting to discourage her from what she's always wanted. Sure, he's confident that he's done a good job of constantly pushing her to try out and go for things she wants to achieve for the past three years. But he takes a look at the engagement ring, _his _promise, shining on her finger and all he sees is something that's dragging her down like some heavy anchor weight, and that looks wrong now. Rachel Berry needs to fly.

He does some thinking as she keeps her face pressed against his chest. He's grown so used to having her this close to him that he isn't sure what he'll do when he gives up that, but he can't keep doing this to her. He thinks it isn't right for her to be here, tied down with him and putting her ambitions aside. Rachel in New York, alone but chasing her dreams. That's what he wants to see. Because he can't possibly deny her something, and her dreams have become his the day he'd fallen in love with her.

He'll do anything to make her truly happy.

Rachel would lose it if he'd start saying this out loud, so he just keeps quiet and wraps his arm around her, drawing her closer. She's starting to fall asleep, and he can tell, from her steady, sleepy breathing that makes his bare skin tingle, and he thinks he's going to miss this feeling of closeness so badly and he finally breaks because he realizes what he really has to do, so he cries quietly into her hair.

He surrenders. He loves her too damn much to keep her from what she wants.

* * *

He rings Puck up first the next day because his number is just a part of the only ones he can dial without thinking. (The other one is Rachel's.) He has to hold the receiver away from his ear for a couple of minutes because his best friend is swearing and calling him names he doesn't even recognize. But eventually Puck does stop telling him he's a jerk for wanting to do this and he lets him explain the situation.

Eventually his best friend just gives up on arguing further and promises he'll call everybody else and remind them not to tell _her_ about what's going to happen, and hangs up. At one point Kurt must've gotten the message from someone, because hours later his stepbrother storms into his room, shooting him a furious look.

"Are you crazy?" Kurt demands. "Do you know how much this is going to hurt her?"

Finn winces, partly because he's shouting so loudly in his ear and also because that's the only thing in his plan that he can't avoid and how it's hurting him too. "I know that Kurt, and no, I'm not crazy." He then tells him to sit down in front of him and explains in a tight voice his reasons for pushing the idea along.

By the time he's finished, the angry look sort of goes down the drain and Kurt's now staring at him with a sad puppy expression. "Are you sure about this?"

"It's for the best," he swallows thickly, nodding. "There's no other way."

Kurt lets out a sigh and approaches him, grasping his hands with his own. Finn doesn't dare look into his stepbrother's eyes because his nose is starting to itch and that's like warning number one before he totally loses it.

"Even if what you say is right, and even if what you're planning to do about it seems like the only way… You do know that you're a part of those dreams, do you?"

"I know, Kurt. I know. But look, I-I can't just keep here in Lima with me for a year just because I got rejected, alright?"

"But she'll have you," he points out.

"She'll have me, yeah, but what about her dreams, about her wanting to become a star? The things she's worked hard for and dreamt about for so long? It's won't be fair to her if I keep her from that."

Kurt mulls it over. "Letting go of her like that," he says after a moment, "is a large risk to take. Are you even aware of that? She'll be meeting a lot of people – many of them men, and I hear that New York is a hotspot for good-looking talents. Aren't you afraid that she'll let go and move on from you?"

Finn closes his eyes and tries his damnedest not to cry. "That's why, Kurt. I-I'm scared. I'm scared that she'll be with someone else – I think about her meeting these dude all the time and I keep on replaying that in my head – because that exactly is going to happen." His voice breaks. "But I'd rather risk it and the pain I'm probably going to feel than keep her here in Lima and have her resent me for that."

He barely rolls out the last word when Kurt pulls him into a tight hug, and he finally breaks down. He just does. They both cry together and eventually attract his mom and Burt's attention, because they both barge into the room just as Kurt had a while ago. In a hum and haw voice he tells them all: no more wedding, no more making room for a new addition in the house, just plans, but different. His mom just bursts into tears and joins the huddle, while Burt stands off at the side, muttering words of encouragement, awkwardly patting his shoulder.

Finn doesn't know when the fit subsides, but when it does, he wrenches free of his mother and stepbrother's grip. He feels them watch him as he reaches out for the telephone on his drawer, punching in the Berrys' home number with shaking hands. After the dialing tone is cut off and a distinct male voice responds, and his breath hitches.

* * *

He lays the horn twice, and immediately, she comes out walking from the door, wearing a bright red coat. Rachel clears her throat a little as she opens the car door, and climbs inside. She's smiling. "Hi."

"Hi," he says in return, raising his eyebrows in acknowledgement.

She makes this funny giggling noise as she looks at the back. "Okay, so you have my dress and my shoes, and I have my makeup, and… my epic love for you." She takes his right hand and squeezes it, and he can't help but smile. But it's wiped off just as quickly as it appears as he listens to what she says next. "Let's get married."

"Right," he says, somewhat like a passing comment, as he looks back and pulls out of the driveway. The weird, before-a-confrontation feeling starts to settle in his stomach as he makes his way out of the neighborhood. And when she doesn't let go of his right hand, he keeps a tight expression because he can feel the metallic band pressed against his palm, and he thinks it doesn't make him as happy as it used to

"My dads are still being kind of weird about the wedding," she tells him, once they're on the road. He tightens his grip on the steering wheel when he hears this and forces himself to keep his eyes on the road. "I brought it up last night and they were really quite about it. It's fine."

Rachel looks out the window. "Are you sure that we're going the right way?" she continues, and he says nothing to this, too. _The longer you can keep quiet about it, the better_, Leroy's voice says in his mind, like how they'd discussed it a few days before. He sighs quietly and drives on as she goes on and on about the wedding, feeling how every topic she brings up is like a punch to the gut.

They finally get to the train station. He deftly maneuvers the car into one of the parking spaces left, in clear view of the blue train up ahead of them.

"We're here," he announces, unfastening the seat belt as he speaks.

"Are you joking?" She nervously laughs, glancing at the train station before facing him. "Because it's not funny. We're gonna be late."

He shakes his head a little as she puts a hand on his shoulder. "You're on the 425 to New York," he tells her, and the smile on her face fades. "Your dads are going to meet you there, and they're gonna help you with the dorms at the new school." He pauses. "You're going to spend four years of your life there, and you've never even set foot in the place."

"But I have a year to go to look at it," she says, withdrawing her hand. The expression on her face tells him that this isn't supposed to be happening, and it is.

"You're going there in the fall. You're not deferring." Finn glances at the engagement ring on it before continuing, and his voice breaks a little when he tells her that no, they're not getting married.

She makes a questioning face. "You don't want to marry me?"

"I wanna marry you so badly that I can't go through with it," he says. "I mean, the thought of you being stuck here for another year because of me… that makes me sick." And it really does. He can't bear for her to hold her dreams off just for him, and being a star is something she's always wanted, and he thinks it's unfair that he's going to take that away from her.

She doesn't see it that way. "Then come with me. We can get married in New York, and-and live in a little shoebox apartment together. It'll be romantic." Rachel says this in the most reassuring way she can, and he sighs inwardly.

She looks like she's about to say more, but whatever it is, he cuts her off. "Do you love me?" he asks her abruptly.

She frowns at him. "Of course I do."

"Then tell me truth, not just something you think I wanna hear." He looks her straight in the eye. "Are you a hundred percent sure you wanna marry me?"

He can tell right off the bat from her face that she's starting to get upset with where this conversation is going. "No-no one is a hundred percent sure of anything."

"I am," Finn tells her firmly. "I am that sure that you're something special." He smiles at her to prove his point before continuing. "But this is just the beginning for you. Th-That you're going to do amazing things. But to get there… you gotta have these amazing experiences on your own."

"Wait a minute," she interjects tearfully. He closes his eyes and grips her hand tighter. "Listen to me, you've got to have these amazing experiences on your own, I can't have to be there," he says, but she won't let up. He sighs a bit as she lets go of his hand.

"Wait a minute," she repeats. Tears are welling up in her eyes. "Wait a minute. Are you breaking up with me?"

Finn can't bear to look her straight in the eye, so he settles for staring at the red buttons that keep her coat together 'cause what he's going to say is blunt and he's not exactly down with it but he knows he has to. "I'm setting you free."

"Oh my God." She looks away from him and into her lap, stunned.

He frowns because she's not taking it the way he thought she's supposed to do and he forces himself into her line of view because it's not fair that she's making it sound like she's the only one dying inside. "Look, do you know how h-hard this was for me? How many times I've c-cried about this?"

"No," she says forcefully, making gestures with her hand. "I am not going. I am not going, not without you."

He wishes it would be easy. "You don't have a choice, I can't come with you."

"Well then, I'll stay here," Rachel pleads, her voice shaking with emotion. "I'll go wherever there is that you're going!"

"Fort Benning in Georgia?" he says without thinking, and she gives him this look that she doesn't know what she's talking about. He closes his eyes, sighing, because he can't bear telling her lies just so she could go on. "I-I need a chance to try and redeem my father, okay?"

The tears are falling now and she's looking at him with a distressed expression as she considers what he's saying. "Oh my God. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're joining the army? Are you insane? I can't believe this is happening right now!" Rachel chokes on the last words, clutching at her chest as she finally loses it.

It kind of makes him think that her heart's aching at the thought of losing him and he breaks a little, muttering about going to places where she couldn't follow him. Of course he's not joining the army, he can't bear losing her forever and dying alone in some warzone millions of miles away from where she is. But he doesn't say this because he knows she'll try and find a way to stay with him, and he doesn't want that.

Finn sucks in a breath and says the rest in a louder, determined voice. He glances at the blue train up there and back at her. "You're gonna get on the train, okay, and you're gonna go to New York, and you're gonna be a star. Without me." She's still crying and trying to breathe, and he wants her to stop that because it's killing him even more but he says what comes next to prove his point. "That's how much I love you."

He grips her hand, the one with the engagement ring. "And what are you gonna do?"

She looks up at him through her tears. Finn doesn't wait for an answer. "Surrender."

Rachel tilts her head to the side, sniffling, and he shakes his head a little. "And I-I know how hard that is for you, because of how hard you hold on to stuff… B-But we're gonna sit here and we're just gonna let go, okay. And l-let the universe do its thing." He inches forward, leaning in a little closer. "And if we're meant to be together… then we're going to be together. Whether it's going to be in a little shoebox apartment in New York or on the other side of the world. Okay?" He has a lot more of deep stuff to say but he can't find the right words, looking at her.

"Will you do that with me?" he continues as Rachel exhales, her breath shuddering. "Will you surrender?"

"I love you so much," she says instead, moving closer. Finn sees her puffy eyes and the swollen nose, taking it all in and then holds Rachel's head with his hands.

"I love you," he tells her before they kiss, because he's never been surer of anything else. Regardless of how she feels, he loves her and will always love her. But she quickly breaks away and tears her lips away from his, because she starts crying again, holding a hand to her mouth, and he wishes he could make her (their) pain stop.

* * *

Finn forces himself out of the driver's seat and lumbers toward the back of the car, pushing it open and grabbing the handle of her pink trolley. Setting it upon the ground, he walks forward to the passenger's seat and opens the door for her. Rachel climbs out without looking at him, and he thinks it's fine, because he's not sure what he'd do next if he saw the pain in her eyes again. So he settles for holding her tiny hand in his as they make their way toward the train, forcing a smile when people start to look their way.

They pass through security and straight toward their friends, who are waiting off at the side. Finn waits patiently, still keeping the smile on as he watches her hug Mercedes, smile at the others, give Blaine a friendly pat on the arm, and pull Kurt and Mr. Schue in a tight embrace.

They all walk towards the part where she gets onto the train. She's still crying as he faces her, handing her the pink baggage, and he doesn't argue when she tiptoes and kisses him as everyone watches from a safe distance. Finn closes his eyes and tries to memorize this, tries to memorize the feel of her lips pressing against his and the feel of her hand in his own.

She wrenches free from him and begins to step onto the platform, letting go of his hand. He watches in silence as she disappears into the carriage, something like remorse pounding through him (he doesn't regret this, moving her closer to her dreams, but he's not sure why he feels regret).

Rachel finally reappears behind a window up there, her face slightly pressed against the glass. He swallows the lump in his throat because it really is settling in now, seeing the glassy barrier divide them. At first he's not sure what to do, so he just raises his hand and waves a bit, putting on a smile, wishing someone gave him pointers on how to properly say goodbye to people he couldn't really bear to be apart from.

He looks behind, noticing how everyone's all smiles as they wave at her with outstretched arms. A tiny part of him is wondering how they can possibly be so happy about saying their goodbyes, and then he thinks how he should show her that it's going to be alright without him and that he definitely wants this for her. So he faces forward again and smiles (though it's hard maintaining it) as he raises his own arm in farewell again, motioning at her with his hand. She doesn't smile at this, and he sees the tears still continue to stream down her face as she looks back at him through the window, her hand still pressed against the glass.

Then there's a faint sound of engines whirring, and the carriage she's in starts to move forward. By instinct, Finn starts moving in the same direction as well, keeping measure with the train. He's walking a steady pace, and he tries to keep the smile on. The smile's important. _Be happy. She's closer to what she wants, and that's what you want_, he tells himself as he looks at her, but she's still crying and inside he knows he's breaking.

He sees her hand press further against the window and her frightened expression as the train lurches forward with renewed speed. He can't help. He's definitely not ready to easily let go of seeing her face just about yet and so he runs faster, desperately trying to catch up with the carriage she's in, although it's steadily moving faster than he can keep up with. He even reaches out a bit, as if to hold on to her.

Finn eventually slows down and stops once he realizes he can't go any further than this, although every inch of him is screaming for him to keep chasing after her. When he does stop, though, he waves goodbye one last time, throwing a smile at her and hoping she sees it as she further pulls away from him. The brakes screech loudly and the last trace of smoke evaporates as the train finally recedes from sight. His hand is still raised in farewell.

* * *

He starts seeing things.

Finn wonders if that's normal, or if his eyes are really fucked up. Because there isn't a day that passes that he doesn't think he sees Rachel or memories of her as he goes about Georgia. One day he actually believes she's sitting in the passenger's seat as he makes his way to the place he's going to stay in. On another he imagines that she's lying together with him in the night, and he even puts his arm around her before realizing the pillow beside him is just warm. Rachel singing, Rachel laughing, Rachel doing little dances, Rachel putting her arms around him, Rachel kissing him. Rachel _loving_ him. Rachel everywhere.

He's grateful for the visions, really. He thinks most would've told him to get his head checked or something. (Maybe he's mental. He sometimes can't tell.) But they give him some stuff to hold onto, things a little more substantial and vivid than pictures.

Sometimes they get him into trouble, though, because there's this time that he laughs out loud at a meal with friends he's made in a local diner, thinking she's beside him as he remembers her telling him a funny joke the time she came over for dinner and everyone's just staring at him.

He sighs because while he's known he made the right choice, it still doesn't stop him from being haunted by what he's missed. So Finn just lets the visions, the memories keep him company when they can. _Better than nothing_, he assures himself.

As days continue to slip away, so do the illusions. And eventually, most of the pain. There are still moments when it just hits him so hard that he doubles over and he can't breathe, times when he panics about forgetting her voice and he listens to her voicemails that he's saved on his phone. But Finn does learn how to grow back and stand up by himself. If she's out chasing her dreams, then he knows he has to stop being dependent and do this.

(She texts him everyday, but he doesn't reply, even if the effort of holding himself back tears him up. He doesn't write her letters, because he doesn't want her to keep being burdened with bits and pieces of the life she thinks he has resigned himself to. He settles for saving them and messages from Kurt.)

Finn files the paperwork with the Board of Correction for Military or Naval Records one June morning. He's been told that he's going to have to wait for several months or longer to receive a date for his appeal, but Finn doesn't care, really. No matter how long it's going to take, he's going to try and do whatever it takes to give what his father deserves.

In the meantime, he does study at Georgia College, with the help of Ernie, this guy who oversaw his dad's unit and who's retired from service, having gone on to become a teacher at the school. He wasn't planning on going to school, really, but Ernie tells him he's meant for much better things and that he's pretty sure Christopher would have wanted his son to do more than fixing mistakes. So he accepts.

It's a hard life, travelling from Columbus to Milledgeville to attend classes at the Theater Department (he'll admit it, he's not that good at acting, but he's pretty sure he can nail roles that have singing in them) and working shifts at the music store just across where he's staying. His new friends keep bugging him about transferring to a place near school but he tells them that his apartment is just alright.

But he doesn't tell them that besides the studying and working, he stops by the base and if they have the time, talks with the people who used to know his father. And his mom is right, because his dad was so much more than who he was in the last months of his life. He listens eagerly to men telling him stories about how Hudson had saved his ass here, solved his problems there, and did pretty important things in between. Finn eventually chooses to remember his father for all he's done for everyone else. And these people, most of them strangers he had never met before, but in his dad's name, become his friends as well.

* * *

He receives a wedding invitation in his mail in November from Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury to be the best man. Finn sighs and tucks it in between his books. While he really wishes he could go, he knows he can't be there because she's going to be there too, and then the stuff about him joining the army he had let her assume is going to unravel. So he simply writes an 'I'm-sorry' letter, even if the excuse is crappy and selfish, and sends it off at the post office.

(He doesn't know that when Mr. Schue receives it, he decides on holding off the wedding until summer, also to Miss Pillsbury's relief because she's been stressing over purifying and disinfecting the wedding decorations.)

* * *

Finn decides to come home for winter break.

His mom has been bugging him to, and even as he protests the price of taking trips, his voice falters because he's not sure how he can survive the stress of college life without taking breaks, and besides, home is what he really needs at the moment. (Home, and Rachel Berry, but the second is pretty much out of his options to turn to, even if he wants it badly.)

His parents welcome him home at the airport. He barely makes it out of the building when his mother pulls him tightly into a hug that's enough to squeeze the breath out of him and with tears in her eyes as she lets go, begins to fuss over him.

"Look at that stubble!" she frets. "Have you been shaving? And goodness, your hair has grown so shaggy you need a brush cut. But importantly Finn, have you been getting enough sleep? The circles under your eyes are darker than I've ever seen them. I swear to God, if I can only come with you there and –"

Finn smiles and kisses her cheek, cutting her off. "I miss you too, Mom." He turns to Burt, who smiles and makes a salute, standing off at the side with his luggage.

They spend the rest of the car ride talking. Well it's just mostly him and his mom while Burt listens on as he drives. Finn talks about Georgia College and how it's pretty okay with him, about the friends he's made there, about his dad's case.

"Courts will rarely change the ruling," his mom says quietly after he talks about the filing. "They won't correct it unless there is new evidence that proves an internal error or foul play against your dad."

"I'm sure there is," he argues. "I just haven't found it yet. These guys from Dad's unit keep telling me that stuff pops out all the time, proof that'll make big differences if they're brought up in cases and everything. Even Ernie tells me that, too."

"But do you think it's best if you keep prying into this? What if you lose?"

He knows it's childish, but he folds his arms across his chest. "I'm not regretting what I did and will do Mom, and I definitely won't lose the case. There's something wrong with what happened to Dad, okay? I know he wouldn't have chosen to die like that."

But Finn…"

"It's one thing I really want, alright? I may not have gotten into PACE like I wanted, I may not have the life I want to live, I may not have Rachel." His voice cracks a little. "But I have this chance to get something right. The thought of doing nothing for my dad disgusts me. I can't stand just going about my life thinking that there's something I can do to try and make a difference. I'd rather try and work on something than do nothing at all."

Finn guesses that he sounded pretty determined about it, so his mom clams up about that and starts telling him stuff in Lima instead. It's the usual neighborhood gossip, so he tries his best to listen but he's not sure if he wants to hear what happened to the Murphies from across the street and whatnot.

He spends the next few days mostly in his room or at the tire shop. Being able to drum again at home and working on a job he's missed is good and all, but he thinks he misses his friends too, and it's kind of unnatural that some of them won't be coming home for winter break. So he hangs with Sam and the rest for a bit, who update him on what's going on at school and at the glee club, but it isn't the same.

* * *

On December 15 (three days before her birthday) he wakes up with his mom telling him that Kurt is coming home for the holidays.

It's only after when his mom leaves his room that he properly wakes up and does some thinking. She's going to come home too, isn't she? After all, it's her birthday next Tuesday. But he thinks he can't tell for now, so he just spends the morning getting ready.

At 2:47 Kurt comes bursting into the house, with Blaine following closely behind. He's laughing and saying that it's good to be home, giving Burt and his mom friendly squeezes. But the moment he catches sight of Finn he lets go of his bags all at once and pulls him into a tight hug.

"It's so good to see you again Finn," he says when he lets go.

He smiles, patting his stepbrother's shoulder. "It's good to see you, too. You look well."

"New York City has done wonders for me. The chill in the air is just right for my skin, and I'm even more accessible to hair care products and fashion in the city." He points to the bag at his feet to prove his point, and Finn does see a couple of boxes sticking out of it and everything.

"I never did know how you got to stay in New York, after all."

"I moved in with Santana and Rachel," Kurt says without thinking. "I know it's probably the most chaotic arrangement we could have, but it isn't a problem until it comes down to bathroom usage." It's only after a moment that he realizes what he's said and he covers his mouth, looking apologetic.

He feels something unpleasant lurch in his stomach. "How is she?" he asks tightly.

"She's doing alright. Not too well, really, but she's managing. She misses you," he adds in a quiet voice.

He can't think of anything to say this because he misses her too but there's nothing he can do about it. So he just pats Kurt on the shoulder one more time, tells him to keep sticking to the plan, and then retreats to his room, where he spends a good portion of his day listening to songs on repeat.

Finn gets the surprise of his life though when he hears the honking of a car right outside their house. He frowns 'cause his mom and Burt haven't left the house, and he's pretty sure they don't have visitors. He peeks from behind the curtains and has to keep himself from crashing through the window when he sees her back facing him as she waves goodbye to her fathers inside the car.

Kurt bursts into his room and he turns around. "Rachel's here," he tells him anxiously. "I forgot to tell you that she was stopping by for dinner."

"I know dude, I saw." He licks his lips, trying to think. "Listen, I know it's weird but I've got to hide. Just so she doesn't know I lied about being recruited and everything. Stick to what I told you about, alright? Remind Mom and Burt for me."

Finn doesn't wait for an answer because he can her ring the doorbell, so he makes a dive for his cabinet and hurriedly closes the doors behind him. It's dark and smells of mothballs but he thinks he doesn't have a choice, really. He hears his mom, Kurt and Burt welcome her and she thanks them in a clear, tinkling voice. His heart aches when he hears this, because he's missed hearing it for real, and not something that's static and full of crackles.

He listens on as the rest of them have dinner. His stomach's rumbling but he doesn't mind. Because over the food, he hears her loudly discuss the things she's learned in NYADA and stuff she's done in the city, things she's told him in her messages. It's one thing to read about it, and another to listen about it. He can't get enough.

After dinner (for them) is over, though, he's not really surprised that she doesn't head home immediately. Finn hears the door to his room creak open, and peering through the cracks, he sees her slowly enter his room. His breath hitches, and he tries to swallow the lump in his throat. She's wearing the red coat she wore the day she left town, the 'Finn' necklace he got her, and even more unexpectedly, his engagement ring gleaming on her finger. It's the first thing he actually sees.

"Finn…" she says softly, trailing off as she sits down on his bed, taking a look around.

"I really miss you, do you know that?"

He's shaking. He wants to answer but he knows he can't.

She reclines on the bed, and begins to talk about personal things, stuff she hadn't mentioned to his family over dinner. She speaks of how she refuses to take the ring off, even while taking showers, of the boys that she's turned away just by simply showing it to them, of the emptiness she feels now.

At this his eyes pool with tears, and he has to press a hand to his mouth to keep himself from making gasping noises like he always does when he cries. He's not sure how much more of this he can actually take. She sighs and stands up to leave, but not before reaching for the picture and gently pressing her lips against it. She glances around one last time, and then she's gone.

* * *

For her birthday and for Christmas, he gets her biographies of famous stage performers, books he'd been given by friends. He (with difficulty) tries not to answer the next 20 calls she makes to his phone.

* * *

A few days after New Year, as he's out with the guys from his dad's unit, one of them breaks down and confesses that he got Christopher hooked on drugs and encouraged him to go through with desertion. A few seconds after the guy comes clean, a fight breaks out because everyone's itching to get a swing at him, everyone but Finn. He's surprised at how calm he is as he tries to stop it, but he takes one more look at the dude and loses it. He's not sure why or how but he shouts 'thank you' all over again because his dad isn't guilty after all, there's foul play, evidence to use in the case against the board. People stare at him but he doesn't care. He can finally overturn the verdict. Finn calls home and spreads the news. His mom promptly bursts into tears over the phone. He cries as well.

His father is finally getting what he deserves.

* * *

Halfway through April, Finn finally receives a date: the case is scheduled a week after he's officially done with freshman year in college.

"You're one lucky kid," Ernie says, when Finn tells him the news in his study. "Other applicants had to wait a full year and even longer to get considered."

"I know." He's grinning as he holds his books in his arms. "I'm even closer to redeeming my father, sir. I can't believe it's really happening."

Ernie nods. "Son, I'm happy for you, but please don't forget to study for the finals. I don't want you to flunk the semester, alright?"

He nods and promises he'll do his best, but honestly whatever happens, happens. He's so excited he barely sleeps days after he'd first gotten the letter, and skips some classes just to practice with the civilian lawyer he's hired to help him appeal the case. They review the evidence over and over again, go over what he has to say, and what he has to do whenever this happens and so on and so forth.

The consequence? Finn thinks he nearly bombs out on his exams. Well, nearly. He's remembered to read his notes and textbooks every once in a while, but he thinks maybe his performance for the practical exam isn't that good. He knows he should've stepped over the sandbags and said his lines a little louder than he should. But right now the results don't really matter. He buys a plane ticket to D.C. scheduled for next Wednesday. He's going to get a real shot now at redeeming his father. And it's finally happening next week.

He has to get it right.

* * *

His petition comes through.

Finn tries to keep a straight face all throughout the proceedings, but when they're out of the building he enthusiastically wraps his arms around his lawyer, who sputters a bit, trying to adjust his glasses and murmuring his congratulations. If he could, he'd hug those people in court, but the military representatives there have these wicked firearms with them so he just settles on giving them smiles as they go on their way, too. And while he knows he's going to rack up an expensive phone bill, he calls practically everyone who knows about the case and tells them what he's finally done.

It's a dream come true.

"That's great, Finn!" Mr. Schue says. "You got through, after all. That's incredibly difficult to do."

"Thanks, Mr. Schue." He makes a gesture as he speaks into the phone. "It was the best moment of my life, so far. I can't wait until I show you a copy of the certificate."

"About you coming home, though…" Mr. Schue trails off, sounding thoughtful. "Finn, there's something I'd like to talk to you about."

"Sure! What is it?"

Finn's pretty sure he can hear the grin in his teacher's voice. "I was planning on sending you another invite, but it's a good thing you called. Emma and I are getting married next week. For real. She's finished disinfecting the decorations, the place, everything. Can you make it here and be my best man?"

"Oh, wow, that's totally awesome. I'm sorry if I couldn't go last time, you know… For the reasons I told you about." He tugs at his tie, thinking it over for a moment. "But hold on a minute, Mr. Schue. Is… she coming too?"

"Yes, we sent her another invitation." Despite the crackling of static he hears the worry in his tone. "Oh right, haven't thought of that. Are you not coming again because of it?"

"This time, I'm definitely going. I'd be totally honored to be the best man there."

"But won't you meet and have some explaining to do…?"

"Mr. Schue, I got this. Trust me." He smiles.

* * *

They don't finally meet in New York as Finn had imagined, but instead in their old high school auditorium. He wouldn't have it any other way, honestly, 'cause it's right back to where they first started after all.

He's onstage, going through his speech over and over again, trying not to think about how he can blow it in a million ways when he hears one of the entrance/exit doors creak open, and he peeks through a (conveniently made) hole in the stage wall. It's her. He spies her making her way down, clutching a piece of paper in her hand. As she steadily approaches, he can still see the necklace and the ring gleaming in the dimness, and he can't help but smile. She's as beautiful as ever.

"Kurt, I haven't had the faintest idea as to why you'd like to practice for the lead role of Billy Elliot," she says as she scales the steps. He's stumped as to who this dude is, but he steps out of the shadows anyway.

Rachel doesn't even bother to glance up at his approaching footsteps. "Frankly, I find the idea of you dressing in boxing attire and tutus multiple times dreadful, but if you're determined to push through with this, then let's start." He raises an eyebrow. Boxing attire and tutus? He doesn't really know what's written in the note, but he's not gonna question the lengths Kurt's gone to just to make this happen.

"That would be pretty horrifying if it were true," Finn says, leaning against the stage wall.

She immediately drops the paper, letting it float down near her feet. Her brown eyes widen as she looks up. They lock gazes for what must be the first time in a year.

"… Finn?" she says, almost disbelieving.

He tries to swallow the lump in his throat and speak, but he only manages to choke out a "Hi, Rachel."

She approaches him with slow and unsure steps. "Is that you?"

Finn steps out of the shadows, trying to smile. "Yeah, it's me."

They continue staring at each other. He knows by the way she's carefully looking at him that she's starting to realize that he hadn't joined the army like how she assumed he would. He anxiously searches his mind for the speech he's practiced in his head and out loud for days and opens his mouth to speak. But she's quicker than he previously gave her credit for, because she swiftly closes the distance between them and smacks him so hard he winces. Yeah, he thinks he kind of deserves that.

He rubs his cheek and staggers forward, attempting to explain, but like he mentioned, she's the faster one between them. Finn closes his eyes, readying himself for another slap, but it doesn't come. Instead she throws her arms around him, and tackling him to the floor, kisses his lips with a familiar intensity that he can't breathe.

When Rachel pulls away, he sits up, with her still on top of him, and tries to make sense of this. She really kissed him after smacking him, didn't she? "Okay, you lost me at what you did. I'm happy, but confused."

"I just didn't know whether to slap you or kiss you, so I did both." Rachel says this in a matter-of-fact tone that it's hard to question it.

"Oh. But about the army thing, there's something I need to tell you."

She shakes her head. "It's alright. Kurt told me the truth last week."

He frowns. There goes his speech. "He did?"

"Yes, when he blurted about how you finally managed in changing your father's dishonorable discharge into an honorable one over the phone." Rachel pauses for a moment. "I can't blame you for what you did, Finn. You lied and pretended to enlist into the army, but also sacrificed me just so I could go to New York and pursue my dreams. What you did was really heroic. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have made it to where I am right now."

"But –"

She shushes him. "But by doing that, you ultimately hurt me as well. I still have feelings, Finn. I was still upset even when Kurt and Santana came to end my loneliness. Try as they did, the company they offered didn't placate me. It felt different, without you by my side. The past school year has been tough because of what you did to me." Her eyes well up with tears. "You never responded to the texts I regularly sent you. I know you only did just to continue the ruse, but I didn't know how it was back then. I didn't even know whether my fiancé was dead or alive until you sent me my birthday and Christmas gifts. I was in hysterics for weeks on end."

"I'm sorry," he tells her, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. "I know what I did was hard on you and unfair, and I'm guilty because of that. I couldn't think of anything else to do. I love you far too much not to help you with what you love to perform."

"How can I perform what I love when I can't even share it with the one I love?" she says instead, and damn it, he can't help himself. It's just sinking in, what he's truly missed all this time as well. With his hands cupping her head, he kisses her.

The universe has done its thing, after all.

* * *

"At least we'll be getting married," she tells him softly, the first words she's spoken for the night. She looks up at him and he runs a hand through her hair. "I can't wait for Wednesday."

"We're finally going to do this," she continues when he doesn't say anything. "We're going to get it right this time and it'll be so much better. We're going to look for the right apartment in New York – not a shoebox, mind you – and when we do, I'll audition at each production until I find the one that's guaranteed to make me shine. You'll be off working at the dream job you recently snagged. Isn't it a wonderful plan?"

Rachel frowns. "Finn? Is everything okay? You don't look so good."

"Everything's alright," he reassures her, smiling widely as he can.

"Are you sure? You've been strangely quiet all evening."

"I just like the way you can keep on talking and talking. Your voice's nice to listen to, even if you're not singing."

Rachel beams and kisses him full on the mouth. His breath hitches as their lips touch. "I love it when you say nice things. But not as much as how I love you. Now please get some sleep, I don't want you having eyebags on the big day."

He gives her another smile, nodding. His insides are feeling giddy-happy lately, and he knows that's because he's never thought they'd be so happy like this. All he can think about is how his presence is helping her achieve greater stuff. Sure, he's confident that he's done a good job of constantly pushing her to try out and go for things she wants to achieve for the past four years but it's different now. He takes a look at the engagement ring, _his _promise, shining on her finger and he smiles again. Rachel is flying now, but she has a home to return to. Him.

He does some thinking as she keeps her face pressed against his chest. He's grown so used to having her this close to him, and he knows what it already is like to give this up. Yeah, it'd been difficult the year they had graduated from high school, but then again, it's different today. Him and her in New York, together and chasing their dreams. It's what he's always wanted to see, and it's like a bonus because it really is coming true.

They've done everything to be truly happy.

Rachel would complain if he'd start saying this out loud, so he just keeps quiet and wraps his arm around her, drawing her closer. She's starting to fall asleep, and he can tell, from her steady, sleepy breathing that makes his bare skin tingle, and he thinks he can't get enough of this feeling of closeness that he's soon going to experience for the rest of his life. He smiles and presses his face against her hair.

They've surrendered. They love each other too damn much to keep being apart.

* * *

_Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go.  
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back,  
You're gonna come back around.  
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back,  
You're gonna come back._

_Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go._  
_Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back,_  
_You're gonna come back to me, you're gonna come back to me,_  
_You're gonna come back to me._

* * *

a/n: That was sloppily written, and so I apologize. Reviews are appreciated, so please leave some!

(Dedicated to dancingxinxthexrain/rach-hudson/Rachel. This isn't exactly a quality graduation gift, but it's all I can give to you on your big day. Cheers!)


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